you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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