Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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