I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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