She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
