now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
