i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had to cum in my sink.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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