I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
