I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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