I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
