My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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