He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
