That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
