does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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