Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh god it's open bar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
