Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
