wat bout pragnant strippers??
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
