Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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