I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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