he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
