After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
