It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
