I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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