So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
