It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
