i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
