my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
