Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
