I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
