And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
