You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
