I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What drink are we having for lunch?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
