Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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