You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
