Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
