Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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