how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
