no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
