Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
