Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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