i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
