I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
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I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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