i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you inspire me to be a worse person
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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