I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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