Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
