i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
