She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
