I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
