How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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