Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
