mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
