cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
