cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
