i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
