I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
