So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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