I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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