that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
